Icha Icha Valentine
by ravarath
Summary: KakaIru. One-shot. Valentine's Day is approaching, and Iruka can't think of what to get Kakashi.


His palms were wet. He hated it when they were wet. Because now, he'd have to wipe them dry again and again, but it wouldn't do any good. Why? Because they'd just get all sweaty again.

His palms were wet because Umino Iruka was nervous. As he sat there, alone in his kitchen and staring at the calendar on the wall, he felt his nervousness slowly coalesce and build into sheer panic. He couldn't believe such an important event had sneaked up on him. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten! And now, he only had a week left until...catastrophe. That is, unless he did something about it.

But what exactly?

Iruka dropped his face into his hands. "Crap..." Between his busy schedule and work, the Chuunin had completely forgotten to prepare for Valentine's Day. He needed to plan dinner, buy supplies, cook, and most importantly: get a present for his boyfriend.

And he knew for a fact that Hatake Kakashi hadn't forgotten about Valentine's Day. Just the other day he'd met Naruto for some ramen at Ichiraku, and the boy had complained about his Jounin sensei. "He keeps asking us what he should get you," the blond whined. "I told him to just get you a lot of chocolate, but he said he doesn't trust my opinion." Naruto had looked offended, scowling as he wolfed down his noodles. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Sighing, Iruka turned away from the calendar and back to the kitchen table. He'd been having a perfectly normal day. He had even managed to finish grading his students papers and complete his lesson plans for the next few days. In fact, Iruka had been quite ready to grab a quick dinner and relax for the rest of the evening when he'd made the mistake of glancing at the calendar tacked on the wall. It was one of Kakashi's godawful Icha Icha Paradise ones, complete with twelve months worth of busty kunoichi holding katanas, wearing gloves and not much else. The night he'd come home from work and saw it hanging there, Iruka had snatched up a black permanent marker and proceeded to censor January through December. The Jounin had protested, but Iruka had pointed out that he could just take a kunai to it instead of a marker and if he had to take the kunai route, Kakashi would find something sharp and pointy going through his head in the near future.

So understandably, Iruka didn't look at this particular calendar often. He had his own normal, non-smutty one in the living room. But it seemed fate was against him today, for as he was searching the fridge for something edible, he'd idly wondered if the staff meeting was this week or the next and fatally looked up at the kitchen calendar. Miss February had smiled brightly from the glossy page, her belly smeared with what Iruka assumed was chocolate and dotted with heart-shaped candies. The heart-shaped candies had been arranged to spell out a word Iruka didn't think was an accurate description for the shot.

Picking up the pencil he'd been gripping in his sweaty palms, Iruka looked over his list of gift ideas once more. It was a rather depressing sheet of paper, covered with cross-outs and slightly damp from aforementioned sweaty palms.

**1. Chocolate?**

No, too generic and besides, he'd already planned to cook some of the Jounin's favorite dishes for dinner, so it seemed kind of redundant.

**2. Clothes?**

Definitely not. The last time he'd gotten a shirt for the Copy Ninja, Kakashi had somehow managed to get it shredded and stained within two days. But then again, such was the hazard of being a shinobi.

**3. Sex?**

Okay, that one had been added out of sheer desperation. But truth be told, the Chuunin wasn't sure if sex could be considered a gift on Valentine's Day. Kakashi probably regarded it as something to be given by default. After all, the older man expected nookie on almost a daily basis (or at least, he made attempts daily). Valentine's Day was most likely not exempt from that expectation.

Heaving a sigh, Iruka crumpled the list and tossed it into the trash can. It was hopeless. Luckily for him, the older man was on a mission for a few more days, and wouldn't be around to see his lover in a frenzied panic. Maybe he should just buy a lot of candy and hope that was enough. Resignedly, his gaze wandered around the kitchen. He should probably do the dishes and the sweep the floor, and then maybe-

His eyes fell once again on the garish calendar. Honestly, Iruka really didn't know what Kakashi saw in those books. He'd read a couple pages once when the Jounin had been out, and while it was definitely creatively erotic, the writing style had left a great deal to be desired. But then again, he taught dozens of children proper writing and grammar all day long; that probably worked against him. You'd think that a man of Jiraiya's esteem and prestige would string together better sentences but then again...

Wait, that's it. Looking at that stupid calendar gave him an idea. Embarrassing though it was, he was sure Kakashi would love it. Iruka looked at Miss February with new respect, smiling thankfully at her as he grabbed his keys and ran out the door.

* * *

Asuma paused before the seated man, taking a moment to light up a cigarette. "C'mon Kakashi, your rotation." He took note of the way the silver-haired man was scribbling enthusiastically into the margin of his favorite orange book. "What the hell are you doing? Taking notes?" He leaned over and attempted to decipher the spindly script.

The other Jounin snapped the book shut, rising smoothly to his feet. "Ah, it's a secret." He pocketed the little volume safely in his vest. Their client for this rather boring escort mission was still snoring away inside his tent, so Kakashi stood briskly outside it, taking note of the sky. It would be a few more hours before sun-up, then they'd break camp and move out. Hopefully, they'd arrive to their destination by late afternoon and on their way back home by evening.

The Copy Ninja glanced over at Asuma, watching the other man finish his smoke before disappearing inside a tent for a few hours of sleep. As soon as the other Jounin was out of sight, Kakashi whipped out his beloved orange novel once more.

Hm, let's see, he thought. He'd been reading chapter twelve: Come Come Chocolate Love when he'd decided to make his special Valentine's Day checklist. Under the header of 'things to get' he had compiled a very satisfactory list:

**1. Chocolate.**

Anyone hot-blooded man (or woman) who laid eyes on Umino Iruka and that fantastic tanned skin surely had caramel come to mind, and Kakashi fully intended to complement his delectable Chuunin sensei with some sweet sweet chocolate. He couldn't help but grin widely, and was glad for both the darkness and the presence of his mask to conceal such a silly expression.

**2. Clothes**.

While clothes might seem to be a rather bland gift, Kakashi knew that a present's merits lay not in their aesthetic appeal, but in their _functionality_. His lover would feel obliged to try on said clothes to please his boyfriend, while the older man would oh-so-obligingly help him _out_ of them. Win-win situation indeed.

**3. Sex!**

Well, that one was actually expected, but Kakashi was not a person to leave stones unturned. Happily, he re-pocketed Icha Icha Paradise and looked up at the night sky. Ah, Valentine's Day.

* * *

As expected, the man he was looking for was not difficult to locate; his previous information from Naruto aided him immensely. Approaching the bath house at a brisk pace, Iruka only had to examine the outside walls for a moment before spotting a distinctive head of spiky white hair partly concealed by some bushes.

"Ah, Jiraiya-sama?" The Chuunin cautiously walked up to the legendary Sennin, not wanting to startle him. "Could I have a moment of your time?" The man didn't seem to hear him, still peering intently through a hole in the wall. "Um, my name is Umino Iruka. I was Naruto's teacher at the Academy and I was wondering if-"

"Can't talk right now, whoever you are. Doing research." He didn't move from his position peeping into the womens bathing area, writing in his notebook at a furious rate. Iruka heard the splashing of water and feminine giggles emit from inside. "Ohoho! Must use that in the next book...damn, she's moving." Jiraiya quickly moved over to another oh-so-convenient peephole, completely and utterly ignoring the embarrassed shinobi trying to talk to him.

"If you please, Jiraiya-sama, it'll only take a minute." Iruka rolled his eyes. Honestly. The high level ninjas in this village were simply _impossible_. How could he get that Toad Hermit to pay attention to him? It was a wonder Naruto got any training from him, the way he spent so many hours here peeping and-

Thinking of Naruto caused a distinct memory to surface. It had been just the other week when he'd taken the young boy out once again for some ramen, and heard many of his complaints about the 'Ero-sennin.'

"That pervert doesn't pay attention to me at all! I had to use *_Oiroke no Jutsu_ before he would even agree to train me!"

Gods. The things he did for Kakashi...

Approaching the peeping Sennin once again, Iruka dejectedly made the Ram hand seal. "Jiraiya-sama!" He'd seen Naruto do this enough times to know how to replicate it, but Iruka had hoped the need to do so would never arise. "_Oiroke no Jutsu_!" With a small pop, smoke suddenly surrounded the Chuunin.

The legendary hermit glanced over his shoulder before completely freezing. The smoke cleared to reveal a curvaceous woman with flowing brown hair and very alluring tanned skin. She blushed and smiled shyly at Jiraiya, hands held over her exposed chest nervously. She crooked a finger seductively at the shocked Sennin. "Ohhh! What can I do for you, young lady?" He'd apparently forgotten all about his 'research' and had dropped pen and notebook on the ground.

Inwardly, Iruka wondered if the earth could do him a favor and swallow him whole right at that moment. Sometimes, it just didn't pay to get out of bed. Fortunately, no one else was around to witness this humiliating scene. "Sennin-samaaa." The Chuunin almost winced at his own high-pitched voice. Worst. Day. _Ever_. "I was wondering if I could ask a favor of you." He brought a delicate fingertip to his rosy lips and pouted for extra persuasive effect.

And Jiraiya never stood a chance. "Anything at all for such a beautiful young woman!"

* * *

_**One week later...**_

Trudging away from the Academy, Iruka looked fretfully at his watch. It had taken absolutely forever to clean up after his students (they'd insisted on making Valentine's Day cards with kunai) and then that staff meeting had taken longer than he would've liked, so he was running a bit late. But if he hurried, he could still make it back home and get dinner started before Kakashi got home from training.

Quickly unlocking the door to his apartment, he rushed in and carefully put his bag in the hallway closet. A white box tied with a red ribbon peek out from inside, and Iruka blushed at the sight of it. Kakashi better like his present; the trouble Iruka had gone through to get it was going to haunt him for years to come.

"Yo."

Startled, the Chuunin almost dropped his bag. "Kakashi! What are you doing here?"

The Jounin smiled as he walked up to his nervous lover. "I let the kids leave early. Sakura especially couldn't pay attention. It was Valentine this and Valentine that." With a chuckle, he leaned over and gave the younger man a welcome-home kiss. "You're jumpy today." He looked down at the bag Iruka had in a death grip, spotting the bright box. "That for me?"

"N-No it's...well actually I-" With a sigh, Iruka took out the box and handed it over. "Happy Valentine's Day," he said, smiling shyly.

Pale fingers untied the ribbon expertly. "Hm, my first Valentine's Day gift from you. I hope you-" He stopped as he removed the lid and stared at the contents. "T-This is..." His shock was almost palpable, the single visible eye opened wide. Iruka could almost see his mouth gaping open in surprise through the dark mask.

"D-Do you like it? I had it specially made for you but if you want something else I could-"

Abruptly, warm hands grabbed him and pulled Iruka flush against Kakashi. He felt the man reach up and tug down his mask before leaning down to kiss the Chuunin fiercely. It was sweet hot bliss and Iruka felt relief wash through him. He tried to laugh but couldn't as the Jounin slid his tongue in and any other thoughts trailed away. It was several minutes before his lover let him pull away.

"So, I take it you like my gift?" Iruka couldn't help but grin at the ecstatic look in Kakashi's eye.

The Jounin looked delightedly down at the glossy new book in his hand. Emblazoned on its bright pink cover was the title:

_Icha Icha Valentine: The Tale of the Caramel Curves_.

"Baby, you really do love me." And he pulled the man close for another well-earned kiss.

.

.

.

**~_Owari_~ Happy Valentine's Day!**

* * *

**Notes:**

*_Oiroke no Jutsu_ is the Romanji for the Sexy no Jutsu/Ninja Centerfold.


End file.
